Necroslam - September 8th, 2018
Necroslam took place on September 8th, 2018 Wrestling Card BENCH HORSE VS. GARY THE GOAT ********************************** HOOF ON HOOF! HORSE VS. GOAT! THIS IS FINE! IT'S BARNYARD RULES! TOTAL ANIMAL ANNIHILATION! BENCH HORSE is the HORSE WHO CAN BENCH PRESS! GARY THE GOAT is wrestling's most ANCIENT SATYR! What's good for the goose is good for the gander, and what's good for the horse could bad for the goat! ********************************** THE INTERGALACTIC EXPRESS CHAMPS ANNOUNCEMENT ********************************** The INTERGALACTIC EXPRESS are two aliens whose wrestling prowess is only matched by their legendary friendship! They're PWR'S BEST FRIENDS FOREVER CHAMPIONS! ********************************** CULTURE OF COFFEE GRAND OPENING ********************************** ABYSSAL COFFEE CEREMONY! Ralf Machiatto, a powerful and dangerous barista, and Big Daddy Bolero, PWR's rich Dallas-man, unveil their newest business venture! CULTURE OF COFFEE is opening a franchise location...right in the HEART OF THE BONEREALM! Machiatto and Bolero's employees/indentured servants, The Dumpster Babes, will be there to serve fresh artisan bean brew to the masses. "What could go wrong?" ********************************** HOT DOG'S NECROQUEST ********************************** The forever-transient, hardcore crustpunk called HOTDOG enters the BONEREALM to make contact with long-lost friends. For HOTDOG, LIFE ITSELF is merely a temporary squat; he floats among realms as comfortably as he does boxcars! ********************************** A Special Challenge from Dan "The Man" Ziglar ********************************** Dan, once a highly-sponsored athlete, has had a long fall from corporate grace. He's landed smack-dab in a pile of nasty bones, but that won't keep him from ranting and raving in the way that only he dares to! What does he have in store?! ********************************** Skip Rathbone Hosts a Cruel Gameshow ********************************** Some have taken to the hellish climes of the underworld better than others...Skip Rathbone, for instance, loves it! He's hosting a fiendish gameshow in the ring - who will be his first (and last?!) contestant?! ********************************** Randy "The Eagle" Eagleman Defends His Title? ********************************** Randy was a waiter and working dad, beloved by the Multiverse. A series of losses and a disease that slowly turned him into a bird twisted his sense of justice into something ugly and terrible. Now, he holds the NECRO PARTYWEIGHT TITLE - PWR's most powerful belt - and reigns in the BONEREALM with an IRON CLAW! He's absorbed TEEN WORM, DOCK MASTER, and a host of other wrestlers into his dark realm. PWR hopes that by having this wrestling show, we can have a chance to restore the balance of the Multiverse and save our friends! But can any wrestler defeat Randy's minions and challenge him for his belt?! Jeez. ********************************** THE NO CRIME PALS go after Randy! ********************************** One group of warriors has made their intentions on Randy's championship abundantly clear - the NO CRIME PALS! This team of PWR heroes is putting everything on the line to defeat the skeletal hordes and get a shot at randy! They are: - Alexandra Cage: community organizer by day and wrestler by night, - Sweetie Tuff: a pissed-off forest nymph, - Arbitro Obscuro: A mysterious referee/vigilante wrestler whose real identity is SHROUDED IN MYSTERY, and - DINO RIDA: PWR's Dinosaur-powered henshin maniac! Does their AUDACIOUS PLAN stand a bone's chance?!!! PLUS: - The Valkyries make their debut: Two mysterious and powerful beings seek fighters to abduct into eternal battle in WORMHALLA! - THE NARRC: Bull DeCroix tries to get back on track after losing his team's BFF titles in Florida! Rails of pure bone await! - Luigi Primo: After his dough mixer was destroyed, PWR's mightiest and most Italian pizza chef/wrestler seeks revenge against its saboteur! Show Recap EAGLEMAN'S WINGS CLIPPED! REDEMPTION OFFERED, JUSTICE SERVED -- NEW, SMALLER CHAMPION TRIUMPHS -- TEEN WORM COMES HOME Everyone... we did it. Somehow, we journeyed into the maw of the pit. Ah! We experienced a thousand deaths, stripping and reapplying our flesh in battle after battle. But our human hearts invigorated our thick bones, making us the most powerful skeletons ever to live or die. The cries of the many bouyed a new champion--a real boy!--and called Teen Worm back to us! This was... the BONEREALM! This was NECROSLAM! This was... A hell of a time! Now, PUGGIN'HEAD -- a TINY, FELT-COVERED BOY -- is our PARTYWEIGHT champion. The evil might of the NECROBELT is sundered, halting the encroachment of the WORLD-SKULL for another day! "Party On!" HAIL TEEN WORM! But how did we get here? Puzzlingly, PWR only booked TWO OFFICIAL WRESTLING MATCHES. The rest of the night was comprised of IMPROMPTU, UNPLANNED SKRIMISHES made official by QUICK REF SUMMONINGS! Did our Commissioner just forget to book matches? Or is PWR truly the ULTIMATE WRESTLING PROMOTION, guided by the GIANT MAGNET OF FATE?! ONLY NO ONE CAN DECIDE! But how did we get here .... Mysterize no longer! --The Power of BONP Broken, The Yelling Man Flips Bird-- At the hellish gates of the BONEREALM, a grueling PowerPoint orientation greeted us. Gads! Luckily, TIMMY QUIVERS, always traversing the many realms of the dead, interrupted the ETERNAL WORKPLACE TRAINING TORMENT with a giant skeletal hand, its finger raised in the ONE TRUE SALUTE! Hell yeah! --INTERGALACTIC EXPRESS Retain BFF Titles Against a Skeleton and Its Boss-- Our star-faring BEST FRIENDS FOREVER champions were first to hit the ring. A bold attempt to spread friendship to the deepest depths of the underworld was challenged by THE NECROMANAGER and his SKELETAL WORKER DRONE! After rejecting the BFF champions' friendship, they succumbed to their FISTSHIP and fell for a DECISIVE 3-COUNT! --Work Sucks! CREAM OF THE CROP def. Dumpster Babes-- Ralph Machiatto and Big Daddy Bolero were slated to hold the GRAND OPENING of the Bonerealm's newest artisan beanery: CULTURE OF COFFEE! Their most recent hires, the apron-clad DUMPSTER BABES, were forced to give a presentation on aeropressing - but instead IMMEDIATELY AND VIOLENTLY QUIT, forcing a match! Bosses everywhere... take note! But the Cream of The Crop employed horrid coffee-oriented treachery to sabotage the Babes' CAKE/TABLE POWERBOMB! Even though Pink Eye's birthday was ruined and C.O.C. triumphed, the love of the Babes for each other can't be quieted by simple capitalism. They crowd-surfed out of the ring! --The Valkyries def. Bull deCroix and El Choochador, Long Train Runnin' to WORMHALLA-- Bull DeCroix had his own ambitions for the Bonerealm... building a giant BONETRAIN! For three months has he walked Hell and Earth searching for a spectral end to all pedestrianism... until he met the VALKYRIES! These immortal partywymyn, Raven and Blitzen, have long found the strongest rasslers in all the Multiverse and sent them to glorious WORMHALLA. And now they were looking for... the CONDUCTOR! Sorry, Bull! Seizing the Valkyries' NECROBOOK, Bull summoned EL CHOOCHADOR... the spirit of a train! After knocking DeCroix out of the ring, the feathered fighters sent the train-demon to Wormhalla... but left their mark on Bull! "This Isn't Over" -- BARNYARD BRAWL! GARY THE GOAT def. Bench Horse --- All That Rises Must Converge! After over a year of friendship, betrayal, jokes about anime, and legal contracts, Gary and Bench Horse settled their feud once and for all... under BARNYARD rules: first to two pins! Bench Horse had never been bested in one-on-one combat before, and this match looked like it would be no different... until he RIPPED HIS NARDS on Gary's powerful goathorns while attempting a HORSEBUSTER. One Goat Splash later and Gary was crowned the victor. -- JEFFISTOPHELES (ft. Double Hell Skeletons) def. Dan "The Man" Ziglar -- Get ready for a lot of lore! It was time for some contractually guaranteed words from Dan The Man--who permitted this contract, we still don't know! He took the mic to demand a match against Randy "The Eagle" Eagleman, but no! This was neither in the card, nor in the cards! Instead, that bastard JEFF came out... with the ghost of former Dan agent Swifty Deniro! A match was struck with Swifty's soul on the line against Dan's... but Dan wasn't prepared for what JEFF had up his sleeve! Up Jeff's sleeve... was DOUBLE HELL! In DOUBLE HELL, Dan made three new friends... the SKELETONS of SLAMBOTS from the DARKWAR(s)! (LOOK IT UP!) Back in REGULAR HELL, referee SPECTRA disqualified Dan for reaching for his KENDO STICKS... but in a REVERSE-FAUSTIAN-BARGAIN the trick was on JEFF -- DAN had already sold his soul! And thus the two friends were reunited. A surprising moment of tenderness between two otherwise dastardly rapscallions! --Skip Rathbone def. Luigi Primo-- IN DAYS OF YORE, it was almost IMPOSSIBLE to find a real Italian pizza in Austin which wasn't covered in nails and screws! Then the Old Country moved in (c. 2010)... the PRIMO FAMILY DIFFERENCE. But like so many Austinites, SKIP RATHBONE yearns for the Older Old Country... this legally human gameshow host wants EXTRA NUTS, EXTRA BOLTS, and EXTRA SCREWS on his delivery pizza! The pride of the Primo Family was on the line... with the chance for a nuclear-powered dough mixer tipping the scales! But not even Primo's new PIZZA NOVA springboard corkscrew could withstand the HIJINKS, CAPERS, and BONUS ROUNDS of Rathbone and the returning CHALLENGE LORD! "Smooth" Vernie Vegas was distracted by a special video cue only visible to REFEREES, and SKIP snuck in a pin! -- The NO CRIME PALS stand tough! RANDY reveals some HENCHMYN! And what about PWR's REAL BOY? -- From atop his nest on the top turnbuckle crowed RANDY "THE EAGLE" EAGLEMAN about justice, but the kind of justice you'd expect from a REDDIT POST or a GRITTY SUPERHERO MOVIE! That's not what the NO CRIME PALS had in mind... ALEXANDRA CAGE! REX CHOP! ARBITRO OBSCURO! SWEETIE TUFF! These four pals were on the greatest FRIENDVENTURE of all... a journey into the Bonerealm! Four against one... fantastic odds... until those odds got evened! Randy used his NECROTIC ENERGY to call FOUR-WARD the FOUR HORCERORS of the NECROPALYPSE... RODEOTRON! THE NIGHTMAYOR, MAYOR OF THE NIGHT! BARON ZAHKEY! and... could it be??? The "DARK MASTER"... the twisted and shadowy form of the Dock Master, made perverted through the proximity of the WORLD-SKULL! Luckily, ARBITRO had an ACE UP HIS CALF... cookies made with the VENOM of MOTHER WORM! These should protect our friends against NECROTIC ENERGY... oh no! They're all gone! Who could have predicted the hungrin'pangs of PUGGIN'HEAD?? -- GARBAGEWEIGHT CHAMPION HOT DOG def. Nick Thale -- Even down here, delightful crust punk Hot Dog has friends! Well, old friends... summoned through magic... who have shed their crusty ways and sit upon the comfort of their TRUST FUND! Hell... Terrible time to discover that Hot Dog's got TRUST ISSUES! We learned a lot about the ANTITRUST MOVEMENT as Hot Dog strangled his ghastly friend with his own intestines. Wow! That's Wrestling! --No Crime Pals def. Horcerors, Challenge Randy -- The time had come for the final showdown - Randy's minions vs. The No Crime Pals! Rex Chop started things off by transforming into DINO RIDA and enacting henshin vengeance! Arbitro Obscuro, Sweetie Tuff and Alexandra Cage stood strong against underworld odds - but the brick wall of the DARK MASTER could only be cracked, never toppled! Then, a cursed RUBE CUBE distracted the already-squirrelly ref, cementing the advantage of The Horcerors! Things looked grim. But the Pals rallied together to assemble the Dark Master's SEAFARING ACCOUTREMENTS, reminding him of his past and overcoming Randy's spell. The Dock Master was freed! He turned against his former dark allies, leaving Rodeotron alone in the ring with Alexandra Cage! A perfectly timed tag and evasion launched the robotic cowboy into Arbitro's finishing move - the FINAL DECISION! THE PALS HAD TRIUMPHED! --Puggin'Head def. Randy, purifies belt-- And now, Randy was obligated to face his challengers! But his necromagic flattened the triumphant No Crime Pals; any wrongdoing, no matter how small, crippled them under Randy's power. No one was left. Except...Puggin'head! This tiny, very REAL BOY had a seemingly PURE HEART, rendering him immune to the power of the Bonerealm! It also didn't hurt that he was HOPPED UP ON COOKIES MADE WITH TEEN WORM'S OWN VENOM! Eagleman, the Necro Partyweight Champion, had met a worthy rival. The two clashed in a fearsome battle that took them all over 4th Tap! Randy even tossed young Puggy from 30 feet in the air - but the MULTIVERSE CAUGHT HIM, cushioning his fall and saving us all! The punishment continued in the ring. How could Puggin'head keep going?! What internal strength allowed a 10 lb creature to withstand the crushing onslaught of a 200 lb Lord of Darkness? Finally, the Champion's hubris lead to a missed BALD ELBOW...and Puggy was quick to counter with a SHOOTING STAR PRESS, Scoring the most unexpected pinfall in PWR history! But could even the virtuous PUGGIN'HEAD contend with the dark siren voice of the belt? It turns out...extremely yes! Puggy DEFUSED The Necro and Partyweight belts! He even decided to forgive the jilted Eagleman for his crimes. And that was that! Or was it?! Dan the Man emerged from DOUBLE HELL, brandishing the Necro belt! He demanded RETRIBUTION against the fallen former champion. TEEN WORM took this chance to reveal herself, impelling the MULTIVERSE to decide Randy's fate. While we were certainly all here for violence, the battle had ended, and the time for forgiveness and peace was at hand. GRACE triumphed, and Randy "The Eagle" Eagleman exited the ring as our friend, one last time. THIS WAS PARTY WORLD RASSLIN'! Now that we've left the Bonerealm, where do we go next? What splendid chaos will our growing, patron snake spread? What challenges will the NEW, TINY Partyweight Champion face?? Find out on December 1st!!! Category:Show